I just wrote a really awkward e-mail, as I tend to do from time to time. I'm generally an awkward person. I even over-use the word "awkward" an awkward amount, not to be random like a twelve year old who says, "Cheese pickles Fred!! Haha I'm so random, sorry," but because things are legitimately awkward. Luckily, this usually ends up being rather entertaining. So I was talking to a friend of mine about this e-mail I wrote, and he asked to read it. For some reason that I will never quite understand, I allowed him to do so. He laughed hard enough that people in the next room over were asking what was wrong with him. I personally didn't find it that funny, but he encouraged me to start a blog talking about funny things, just in case I really am funny.
So here is the e-mail. I sent it to Allie, the writer of my favourite blog, Hyperbole and a Half (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/)
If you ever want to read the original e-mail which I mention here, I will search my Sent folder for it.
"Hello, I love you.
I wrote to you before and you did not respond and that is super duper okay because I also have terrible issues with concentration (although I tend to either hyperfocus on things or just zone out and be distracted by random things and my doctor said I probably either had ADHD or Asperger's and sent me to a psychiatrist but the psychiatrist was terrible, never evaluated me, told me I wasn't skinny enough to have an eating disorder, and said I had too many hobbies and should care about less things, so I don't really like him) and therefore cannot fathom how you even begin to respond to all of the e-mails from people like me who send long, ranting e-mails about how much we love you and want you to be in some way either related to or romantically involved with us.
Anyway, I am writing for a second time because tomorrow, I will be having my first experience with sedation!!!!! I am 18 and I have had my wisdom teeth out and even though I am terrified beyond belief of dentists, they decided putting me under was too much of a hassle, so perhaps I am getting started a bit late in life on this whole sedation thing. But I have a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy tomorrow so I will be sedated. I am hoping my mom will bring a video camera when she comes to pick me up from the hospital, and then I can become famous on youtube like the unicorn wisdom teeth girl.
I just thought I would share the horribly personal information that I am having a colonoscopy. I feel like you, of all people, will not judge me. It's not my fault I have intestinal problems. It's not my fault I've been running to the bathroom all day because I had to take "pleasantly orange flavoured" (by which they mean Satan flavoured) medication to empty my bowels. The afore-mentioned medication also has Satan-like effects on my tummy, making it feel like he has inhabited my bowels and wishes to now break free. I don't know, I can't say exactly where Satan comes into the equation, but he is definitely at work here.
Well, sorry for writing to you and talking about my colon. Maybe if they let me keep a picture of the inside of my colon, I will send it to you as a post-card to be extra super creepy.
I hope you have a fantastic day, and remember that even if it's three years from now when you get around to responding, should you decide to do so, I will not judge you or be reminded that I sent you an e-mail and decide you are incapable of being an adult, because I assure you that I am far less capable!
With the most love ever, just shy of the kind where I stalk you, pull out some hair, and clone you,
Kinnery
(Yes, that is my real name, not an internet name. My mom is a creative woman.)"
Here is a picture of a dinosaur, in case you didn't like my e-mail:
I promise I actually know more about dinosaurs than this picture would suggest. It's just hard to draw dinosaurs on paint with a laptop mouse thing.
